It’s already very late in the night, in the dark, when I am writing this draft. We discussed this evening, Vanessa and me, about many things, my feelings, about what she is thinking and I have to say that I am expecting to much from her. She is in a difficult situation right now and I am asking a large piece of the cake. The decision isn’t said but I got it loud and clear, she isn’t ready to give what I look for, not because she doesn’t want to but only because she cannot given the current situation. 

Some people say that - life is a circle - and you have to expect the same than what you give to others. Here it is. Few years back I disregarded her, I was lying to myself and today I am paying the bill for it. I am falling on my knees at the worst moment and for the only person that I’ve badly treated once. In my deep inside I am quite happy because my tears gave her the head-up of what I was really feeling inside, and during her life she will remember that a particular day, a man, not a teenager, cried while saying that he loved her. That was the most beautiful present I could give, I have ever gave, I have been myself from the beginning till the end and from the bottom of my heart and I am proud of it.

I will have to stand-up again, as Dug says, “running away is fighting again” and this time I won’t run, I faced myself,  assumed it and said it for the first time . It’s a big step done. The fire will have to be turned-off and I am not expecting this to be easy. I never felt something that strong maybe because I never loved someone together with being really myself. This fire is burning more and more everyday even if I know that she will not be here to use it, I just can’t help it. 

I will have to face, understand that I lost a battle, its probably the most difficult lost that I have ever been through and I will also have to take care of her, her who helped revealed myself for the first time, a treasure that I am not ready to forget or give up.

Tomorrow I will have to work, I won’t hide, if I need to cry I will, if I down my knee on the ground I will let it go down but only one of them, not both. The path to stand-up again will be long for sure but it’s right in front of me and I will have to use it,  like a first time,  like a first love for a recently revealed Nicolas.

Je t’aime Vanessa from the bottom of my heart, from everything that I am, from everything that I could give. keep this inside your head in a small piece of memory, and never forget it…A strange mixed of Irish French man loved you more than love itself.

July 30th, 2008 | My Life | No comments

A bit deceive by the Irish match this afternoon against Argentina, Even O’Driscoll did a nice part it wasn’t enough to reach the victory.
Now it’s time for the French team to beat the All blacks as they did some years ago, I stil confident
that we can create a ”surprise” but I am aware that the All Blacks are most likely the favourite in the competition.

Except Rugby nothing really interesting, I still work at the same place and no news at all
Come on Frenchys you can do it!

Allez la France

September 30th, 2007 | Irish Life, My Life | No comments

Nothing really amazing the last few weeks, I have been working every single days (except week ends of course).I was in Killarney,South Ireland last week end to see a friend, Maria. It was great, the place is very beautiful. There are many historic places like castles, old houses which was previously owned by some English officials before that Irish people took their country back.

We tried to walk through the Killarney national park to reach the great lakes, but unfortunately rain came up (what a surprise), so we were forced to turn back and do something else. The next day, Sunday we have been to cinema to watch Die Hard 4.0, it’s a great movie but from my point of view its looks like the “first” James Bond “Casino Royale”. This last Die Hard opus is much more serious than the previous ones, the main story still in the “John Mc Laine” style, meaning that some terrorists want to blow up the planet, but unfortunately Johnny is around.

The movie is full of special effects, tricks and gunshot but there is a kind a second story between John and his daughter.

Anyway, some people like “Roy” an Irish colleague in FileNet told me that this is the best Mc Laine ever, from my opinion it is a good movie, but it’s quite different than the previous Opus.

I came back from Killarney the Sunday evening (10pm) and I want to say some words about the travel through Irishrail. As I am French I am quite proud about the French TGV. The only train is world which can link 800kms in around 3 hours. However this train was really great, very different than the French one.

The toilets for example are really designed for every people including disabled. The doors are automatic and electric, very easy and funny to use.

And again for old or disabled people there is someone (an employee) from Irish rail who is crossing the train with food and drinks. I have never thought about that but it is true that in the French TGV, there is only one restaurant wagon in the train so the question is: How the disabled/old people do to buy food in the French train?

I am currently in the plane Ryanair FR22 from Dublin to Paris – Beauvais, tomorrow is the third part of the gum surgery. It will be painful again, lets hope that it won’t be painful for long. I also have a diner or a drink with a girl “Anne Caroline”, we were in the same classroom for years during High School. We then followed our personnal path therefore I haven’t heard form her since this period. I have found her over the website, www.copainsdavant.com, this website is quite amazing, it is used to link former classmates. I sent her an email and she replied I bet we will have many things to talk about. The only thing I remember is that she was smart, most likely one of the smarter in the class in those days. From my point of view she was supposed to do a kind of business job, or high ranked job. She told me

August 2nd, 2007 | My Life | 1 comment