AxiLife

Hi,

I finally decided to move my blog to another location, its now in Paris.

Except this, everything is fine I finally broke my chains and left my bad stories back in paris. I think it was the necessary move and I dont feel like loosing something anyway.

My mother was here 2 weeks ago, we really had a good time together, having restaurants and talking. It was just great.

Seeya

Today is a actually a quite good one, the kind of day where you start with a small problem in mind, you think about the positive and the negative; finally you spot the best way to sort it out.  It’s actually sorted it won’t be a “problem” anymore, decision is made, time to look forward for new things.

“Some say love, it is a river, that drows the tender reed

Some say love it is a rasor, that leaves your soul to bleed”

Hope that I will learn from it.

Nicolas

3 weeks ago my dear grand mother passed away..it’s been very difficult to accept after everything I’ve been through beside her. She went to sleep for good this day after 97 years of life including, a massive car accident, two world wars, three nice childrens, and eight grand sons, a very complete life.

I have to say, every single memory that I have about here is only joy; happpyness, smiles which I think is the most beautiful present to give.

Have a nice trip Paulette, meet you there in a lifetime, until then, you are in my heart. You guided me all those years and you will still do.

Bye bye Paulette, Ton petit fils qui t’aimes.

I already mention that earlier, but I still can’t understand why some people have a so strong part of their personality called “Ego” We all have this of course, this small part of defence attitude that comes-out when someone strikes one of our weak-point on purpose. However, and I as said previously having a strong, and therefore Idiot Ego, will result in breaking relationship, friendship relations. People who do have a very developed part of this personality are very easy to spot, you know many of them, they are those who can’t say “sorry” “I am wrong” “sorry for that” “sorry if I hurt you” because they will always find a reason for saying what they previously said. What a curious world, I don’t know if I am in the fringes of society, but when I am wrong, I am saying it and when I involuntarily hurt someone I usually say that I am sorry. I start to believe that most of the people around me takes this as a weak-point “Oh look at that he is sorry, he said he was wrong” probably a point of weakness isn’t it? From my point of view it’s just a proof of honesty and freedom.

I am just getting tired of those people that never hesitate to strike one of your painful point for any meaningless reason, I can’t explain it I just find it very pathetic. I had another example of this lately and once again, it is very easy to push people to show their true nature, usually the result is highly deceiving. Some will say that I just lost another battle because I refused to talk in this last situation but I did not. The only truth here is that I’ve seen the real bottom of some people and I found it sad, pathetic crap, meaningless. This means only one thing: When those people will reach Obstacle in their life with other people around, instead of showing cold blood and *thinking* they will choose the most simple solution, their solution, the one where they will only fight and act for themselves even if those around can suffer from it.

I am what I am, I built myself differently over the last 3 years, it’s true that sometimes I feel sad inside cause obviously I am alone and I can’t share for the moment everything that I could sahre. But i won’t change in order to look like those pathetic people. When I feel something I am saying it whether we are talking about deep feelings, disagreements, pain, love, whatever it is. I will not change this even this cost me in future.

All is said, another chapter is close, I will not look them the same. Those people who can fuck-off everyone reaching the first difficult situation and those people who never hesitate striking where it’s very hurtful instead of *talking*.

Chapter is closed-off, I have regrets, I showed those people what I was inside and now they are using it to strike..poor them. Life goes on, they should remember that you should never do against someone, something you would not accept against yourself. My deep regret is that I gave them the *present* of showing them what I was built off, what I was inside for just nothing. Good point is I won’t hold on that for ever. Actually It will me easier that I firstly thought to go over that and forget them for good.

Me, Myself, and I, Nicolas

I was outside most of the days, I lead a crusade to find a scale and bin for my bedroom, I’ve bee to Argos, jez even on Sunday you can’t walk in there without hurting someone, was so busy, I can’t believe it.

Except that I talked to my friend Ana yesterday who got back form Brazil few days ago, I’ve been thinking about this situation coz when I feel sad or lonely and I want to see my relatives it would take at most 3 hours for me to get there. It would be much more difficult when you family is very far, like 12 hours in place.

She is very courageous to handle it alone in here and I respect that. Regarding my current feeling, I just feel nothing special. Life goes on, I still like my work (fortunately) and I got a week off in October, I dunno yet what I’ll do.

Bad news is that I have to repair my car, the timing belt and the wheel bearings, (900 bocks)….so shite, I was thinking about going in Croatia, Crete, but I think that it’s gone now..

Have a good week people.

Back in time, in June precisely I was at the Dublin Airport to drive back a friend, no need to precise the name. This particular day was likely one of the most difficult since a long time. Seeing this little girl, fragile, defenseless going back alone without knowing that I had inside ..was the most difficult thing since a long time. I had to appear as a normal guy driving back a friend, the truth is that every single step toward the airport killed me a bit more..

I’ve been thinking lately to “translate” this with words. what I was feeling living this day from my eyes. An answer got back to me yesterday, a song from Jean Jacques Goldman..the words are matching exactly my feeling at the time, in this cold airport, seeing her walking forward to the security and living me for good after 10 days of paradise.

- - - -

Puisque l’ombre gagne, puisque il n’est pas de montagne,

Au-delà des vents, plus hautes que les marches de l’oubli,

Puisqu’il faut apprendre, à défaut de le comprendre,

A rêver mes désirs et vivre des “ainsi-soit-il”

Et puisque tu penses, comme une intime évidence que parfois même tout donner n’est pas forcement suffire

Puisque c’est ailleurs qu’ira mieux battre ton cœur, et puisque je t’aime trop pour te retenir,

Puisque tu pars,

Que les vents te mènent ou d’autres âmes plus belles sauront t’aimer mieux que moi puisque je ne peux t’aimer plus

Que la vie t’apprennes, mais que tu restes la même, si tu te trahissais je t’aurais tout à fait perdue

Garde cette chance, que je te donne en silence, cette force de penser que le plus beau reste a venir,

Et loin de nos villes, comme Octobre l’est d’Avril, sache qu’ici reste de toi, comme une empreinte indélébile

Sans drame, Cent larmes, pauvres et dérisoires armes, parce qu’il est des douleurs qui ne pleurent qu’a l’intérieur.

Puisque ta maison, aujourd’hui c’est l’horizon, dans ton exil essais d’apprendre à revenir, mais pas trop tard.

Dans ton histoire, garde en mémoire, mon au revoir, puisque tu pars.

- - - -

This one is for you V.

Nic

My friend Cedric who use to work for France Telecom just arrived in Dublin (last Monday) he got hired by IBM as a contract renewal seller. It’s a kind of basic seller job but it’s only a first step for him. His target his to gain a proper English and maybe then access more important and well-payed jobs. I am very happy of that cause Cedric means a lot to me, when I had very bad time in the past he was there with few others, this is the time where the famous sentence “Always there” was kicked-in for the first time. 

We were in a nice restaurant yesterday, Indian one in Dun Laghaire, was very great and not expensive (great idea from Flo). It was funny to see the first English sentences kicked-out from his mouth. Who could had think 6 years ago that him and me will meet again in Dublin because we would live there…… Life is just amazing sometimes. Anyway, it’s good to know that Cedric is around, he is someone trustful and in those days it’s very important as I have much to confess and sooner or later I will need an extra shoulder to carry-on.

Good luck Cedric, Always there, you can count on me for anything.

Nicolas

I will be in Paris for few days next week, from Thursday to Tuesday morning. I don’t know what I’ll do yet. Got few plans but I don’t know if this will happen. Last time I was there I felt bad coming back to Dublin, not sure why, I guess I begin to miss the “city” itself. Some people say that you “always come back to Paris somehow”. Maybe it’s true? After 4 Years over here, I feel that my time’s almost come to go back to my origins. But to do what? The same job? Another one? no ideas yet to be honest. 

The Good point is that IBM, HP, and Total Fina Elf gave me a knowledge and a very valuable experience which can put myself in a good place on the French job market. The Bad point (there’s always one) is that I wasn’t good for studies, I don’t have much diplomas. French companies are very addict to diplomas, they want people with 2nd or 3rd degrees at least. They don’t really care about experience (which obviously is a mistake). I need to study this and drive conclusion about what are my chances to get something good in Paris…

Except that nothing really knew, my heart still beating on daily basis for the same one, not sure how long it gonna last like this, but I cannot handle much more. I hope that this few days in Paris will help me opening my eyes. My mother’s always been good advisor, she wants me to drive my personal life with as much force as I drive my professional life…. easy to say, I will follow her advises I think. The person concerned knows exactly what I think she is very aware, nothing else has to be done, only time will make his job. Beside that I will live my life, nobody has anything to say about that, this is my absolute right and go fuck the rest.

Happy week all,

Nicolas

This is the best translation that I’ve found last night for the French word “voue a l’echec”. Those words came in my last conversation with Vanessa and stayed in my mind every single minute of the past night. How did I manage to get that far? I did some mistakes for sure, I thought that being honest about my feelings and what I feel for her will make the job, I was wrong obviously. 

What do we do now, should I keep firing my rounds given that the opposite side thinks that its meant to fail? I am going back in Paris for her on the 21st of August but given the situation and our last conversation I am not even sure that I will see her, this would kill me for good. There’s nothing left I can do for now except give her time, as we could say in French “Dices are thrown”. 

I love her for sure, more than anything but I am dealing those new feelings like a heavy-handed man, no style, no charisma, no strength therefore If I would deserve to loose. As I said I haven’t slept last night but it teach me something, it teach me that I was love-blind. She did many efforts already, many things for me just to give me a chance and I wasn’t seeing that this way. Now I know but is it not too late.

Nicolas.

Today’s been a bit difficult dealing my my own mind and feelings but good things happen time to time. 

Here is the song of the day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1HD3Sqlcm3o

The lyrics are very impressive (those of you who know Aerosmith will agree that their lyrics are quite good).

- Cyrin - 

There was a time when I was so broken hearted, Love wasn’t much of a friend of mine.

The tables have turned, yeah, cause me and them ways have parted, that kind of love was the killin’ kind

Now Listen,

All I want is someone I can’t resist, I know all I need to know by the way that I got kissed.

-

Nicolas